Pretzel Logic
How tough is it to pull off a major development project in this city?
Just walk over to Eighth and Market, look down at the big hole in the ground and see for yourself.
The much anticipated DisneyQuest entertainment complex — originally conceived to open in time for the hordes of Republicans and media freeloaders about to descend upon us — was declared dead last week by Mayor John Street, leaving a city-block-size open pit.
While I’ve always questioned the sanity of throwing tax dollars around like so much cheese to attract the Big Rat, it is a shame to see so much nothing in the heart of Center City.
So let’s not see this as a crisis, but as an opportunity.
Disney’s Hole could come in quite handy during the GOP convention, for instance.
The Republicans, still smiling from the fine act of fellatio performed on them by Ed Rendell, have managed, courtesy of Ed’s largesse, to tie up most of the prime public space for their official coronation of George Dubya, leaving little room for protests and demonstrations. Those few spots where protests will be tolerated have been euphemistically referred to as “free speech zones,” which sounds like an attraction at the Epcot Center.
But now, with Disney’s Hole, we can accommodate the Constitution and the GOP.
Protestors can pour into the hole, chanting and holding signs to their hearts’ content without bothering those poor Republicans, who are coming from all over to spend money in our fair town.
And if the protestors get too noisy or belligerent, George Dubya can have them Miloseviched: He can bring in the bulldozers and cover them with dirt.
There’s another idea for Disney’s Hole kicking around the corridors of the City Paper Think Tank.
Dig even deeper, construct a city-block-size, 30-feet-deep aquarium and build an attraction called “The Evil Empire,” featuring the Russian nuclear missile submarine I wrote about last week.
DisneyQuests will soon be popping up like kudzu in every backwater berg in the country. But I can almost guarantee you that no other city will have a Russian nuclear missile submarine floating in a big hole on its main drag.
The possibilities are endless.
Instead of another overpriced arcade or, as in the case of the Hard Rock Café, another overpriced, not-even-trendy-anymore hamburger joint, The Evil Empire could offer way-cool entertainment and a restaurant featuring the finest in Soviet cuisine.
But seriously folks, perhaps not all new development deals in Philly will go the way of Disney’s Hole.
Jorge Fernandez, the Bucks County businessman who wants to bring the Juliett Class sub to the shores of the Delaware, is not daunted by the fact that the sub, which once carried nuclear missiles aimed at Philadelphia and New York, is too damn big for Penn’s Landing.
Fernandez, on the phone from San Francisco where he is checking out a submarine tourist attraction in that city, says he has discussed a new location, south of Penn’s Landing, with John Christmas, the special assistant to mayoral hatchet babe Stephanie Franklin-Suber-alles.
Fernandez is coy about the exact location of the 300-foot-long sub, (www.subexpo.com) which requires a water depth of at least 23 feet. So coy, in fact, that officials from the Penn’s Landing Corp., the Delaware River Port Authority and the Philadelphia Regional Port Authority are unaware of his plans. Neither Christmas nor mayoral spokesperson Barbara Grant returned calls seeking comment.
If Fernandez gets the proper approvals, he says he can make the sub a viable tourist attraction even though it would be located at some distance from the prime position of Penn’s Landing. Fernandez envisions tourist trolley buses running between Penn’s Landing and the unnamed pier, ferrying prospective submariners. The concept worked at an even greater distance at the sub’s current home in St. Petersburg, FL. However, the Canadian firm that leased the boat went bankrupt after running it aground on a sandbar as it towed it into port.
If all else fails, Fernandez says he might even consider floating his boat in Disney’s Hole.
“I like creative solutions,” he says.
Speaking of creative solutions and seafaring Canadians, an outfit out of Quebec Province called Titanesque Cruise Lines wants to buy the S.S. United States, now berthed at Pier 82, and rehab it to its original condition as a trans-Atlantic cruise ship.
Titanesque spokesman Martin Fortier says the company has amassed about $350 million for the rehab, but is looking for U.S. investors to kick in another $25 to $28 million. The plan, says Fortier, is for the United States to carry 2,000 passengers and sail as fast as it did when it broke world records by crossing the Atlantic in a little more than three days.
There’s a slight catch. Fortier, the spokesman, doesn’t really speak English. Our conversation took place via City Paper intern Yael Bizouati, who hails from France.
For his part, ship owner Ed Cantor is willing to listen.
“You never know,” says Cantor. “It could be the King of Siam talking, or it could be some poor street person from Philadelphia. There is no great urgency on my part to sell the ship.”
