TAMPA – Goodbye, obnoxious Red Sox fans.
Hello, obnoxious Phillies fans.
Twin brats of different dysfunctional mothers, the fanatics of Boston and Philadelphia come to the same place of extreme obnoxiousity from opposite roads.
This much I know from having lived in both places and having rooted against both home teams.
Believe me, as a Mets fan. I know obnoxious.
Boston fans have a haughty air of superiority that belies 86 years of “No, No, Nanette”-induced futility only recently replaced by the jinx-busted aura of invincibility.
Bostonians call their home The Hub. As in The Hub of the universe. As in the center of all things and the best place on Earth.
I lived there for several years in the 1980s and know this much: They really believe that Hub stuff and have since before the American Revolution.
Hub’s Delusion Of Grandeur
Such long-lasting mass delusion of grandeur is hard to shake off.
Some of my best and oldest friends suffer from this syndrome. Which brings me to my good friend and former colleague Scotty Farmelant, with whom I have traded baseball guff for more than a decade.
I received this message via Facebook after the Rays blew Game 5 of the American League Championship Series.
“Sox motto: Never say die.
“Rays motto: Don’t look now, but your manager threw away your momentum with the dumbest managing this side of Grady Little. Can you spell ‘C-H-O-K-E’? I can: T-A-M-P-A!”
I just rolled my eyes.
Farmy is a Red Sox fan. It’s in his blood.
He couldn’t help himself if he wanted to.
Which, of course, he didn’t.
When the Sox tied the best-of-seven series at three, I received this missive:
“Howie, Howie, do you believe? It’s sad that the Rays fans are learning what it’s like to be a baseball fan in such tramautic [sic] fashion. Joe Maddon says Game 5 has nothing to do with anything. Sure. And Japan had nothing to do with Pearl Harbor. Mark my words, the Rays are cooked.”
Farmy, consider your words, and the Rays travel plans to Philly, marked.
Philadelphia Obnoxious
So here come the Philly fans.
Another obnoxious lot.
Whom I love with all my heart.
I spent 12 of my favorite years in the City of Brotherly Love (and Sisterly Affection) as an editor and columnist. Some of the finest people I ever met live in that town.
Even if some of them are obnoxious.
But unlike Boston fans, there is no haughty air about Philadelphia.
There is only the stench of an inferiority complex, dating back to its Revolutionary sibling rivalry with Boston and exacerbation from being in the shadow of New York to the north and Washington to the south.
And unlike Boston fans, Philadelphia fans don’t think they, or their city, is the best place on Earth. Or even a very good place at all. Even though it is a world-class city and one of my favorite places.
Philly fans hate everyone and everything, but nothing as much as themselves.
They even pelted Santa with snowballs.
So fierce is the game-day passion of Philadelphia fans that a special court had to be set up just to deal with the brawling inebriates at Eagles’ games.
And Flyers fans – who, like Eagles’ fans, share a love/hate of the Phillies – recently booed Gov. Sarah Palin at a game.
This is what you will see, Rays fans, as Phillies fans begin to deplane and invade the Tampa Bay area.
Boozing, brawling, self-hating maniacs, clad in red and screaming allegiance, however fleeting, to their beloved Fluffya.
Before you look down on Phillies fans though, consider this.
It was only weeks ago that there were more empty seats than filled ones at the indoor mall otherwise known as the Trop.
The longest-suffering Rays fans have been waiting a mere decade to see their team in the World Series.
The Phillies haven’t been there since 1993.
They haven’t won it since 1980.
And they lost more than 10,000 games since the team was created in 1883, a record of futility even Rays fans cannot comprehend.
So good riddance Boston fans, and bring on the Phils.
Ring all the cowbells you want, Rays fans.
Crop your hair in Rayhawks and scream yourselves hoarse.
You have a long way to go before you can truly call yourself obnoxious.
SIDEBAR: Who is Howard Altman?
He is the courts and cops team leader for The Tampa Tribune, WFLA-TV and TBO.com. Altman broke into journalism in Boston, where he lived for about six years (including 1986) and was an editor and columnist with the Philadelphia City Paper for 12 years.
