Word count: 1104 | Reading time: 5 min read
Pretzel Logic
Mix up a name, and the result can be sweet.
Technology is a fine thing and no doubt a time saver, but somehow, it also provides too much to fill the time that I save.
Take, for instance, the anagram-o-matic.
The anagram-o-matic is a computer program, accessible via the Internet, that allows the user to plug in any word or words, up to 12 characters and, normally within minutes, see those words shuffled into new words.
Now I agree that, on the surface, this seems like we have progressed little in our quest for computer-driven nirvana since the heady days of Pong. But believe you me, once you get going and see just how fun it is to turn, for instance, the name Unabomber into “a numb bore,” well, you get the picture.
I’m not one to put too much stock in this stuff, but a lot of times, the anagrams really do seem to fit.
Take David Cohen, the mayor’s capo.
Plug the name into the anagram-o-matic and you get “I’d end havoc.”
Regardless of what you think about our mayor, you’d be hard pressed to disagree that, without Cohen, there’d be plenty of havoc in City Hall.
Of course, there are plenty of David Cohens in this town.
Like the aged city councilman.
Chances are that, come election day, he’ll be looking for a new job. So, when you ask him what he’s doing these days, he might answer, anagramatically, “Ah, I vend cod.”
Some people have a number of anagramatic characteristics.
Like Eagles’ coach Ray Rhodes, who has yet to make a victory handshake.
Rhodes can be described as a “yard horse.” And, if you listen to the yahoos on WIP, you’d know that, as a coach, Ray Rhodes is a “sorry head.”
Speaking of WIP and sports fans, there is no shortage of advice for Eagles’ running back Ricky Watters.
Have trouble holding onto the ball, Ricky?
“Try a screw kit.”
Is he dogging it out there?
“Sweat, Rick. Try.”
And just what kind of guy did the fans see the day of his famous “For who? For What” statement?
A “raw, testy Rick.”
Rhodes knows about losing. The next time he sees Phillies manager Jim Fregosi, the two can commiserate on the agida of being a bum.
“So Jim, grief?”
You have to think that touchy-feely soon-to-be-ex-U.S. Senator Bob Packwood somehow, somewhere did the “backwood bop” with one of the women he terrorized.
We all know about Packwood’s exploits. But what about Bob Dole? Is he a “bed lobo?”
Speaking of politicians, some of the things spit out by the anagram-o-matic could not be more on the money.
Ross Perot?
“Sore sport.”
Arlen Specter?
“Clear Serpent” and “Learn Respect.”
Ultra-liberal Tom Foglietta?
“Got to aim left.”
Is Jim Tayoun still in the joint?
“Nay, Jimmy out.”
And not too bad for the wear.
“You tan, Jimmy.”
Considering that he’s a convicted felon, Tayoun still has plenty of friends. He can walk down the streets of South Philadelphia, point to an admirer and say, “Yo! A Jimmy nut.”
There’s a couple of gentlemen other than Arlen who are running for president and could benefit from a tilt at the anagram-o-matic.
Pete Wilson:
“Spit now, eel.”
“Towel Spine.”
To those who question his credentials as an environmentalist, Wilson can say “I slew no pet.” Or “We lost pine.”
We all know that Wilson would prefer that coverage of his campaign be given the preferential treatment of “polite news.” But saying anything nice about the guy would be the “top news lie.”
To those tired of politics, Colin Powell is a “cool new pill.”
Pissed off that the governor blew the Meyer-Werft deal? Pray that “god remit” Tom Ridge.
How’d he figure out that he didn’t like the deal? “Me do trig.”
Our junior senator has taken a lot of heat during his first term for being somewhat juvenile. A number of critics have charged that Rick Santorum acts like a “struck minor.”
His prickly personality leads people to wonder if his motto isn’t “can or must irk.”
His favorite music?
“Iran smut rock.”
“Iran must roll,” he says.
Clearly, there are a lot of people who don’t like Rick Santorum.
They’ve been known to shout “suck a trim Ron,” or go “suck in mortar.”
How does he get away from all that vitriol?
“I truck on Mars.”
Do you ever wonder what Wilson Goode really thinks about the fallout of the MOVE bombing?
“I lose, God won.”
Of course, he has recovered. Ask him how he’s feeling and he might say “solid ego, now.”
But there are still questions about his libido.
“I soon go lewd.”
And his tastes?
“I ogle no sow.” However, “I do ogle snow.”
Does Rush Limbaugh get nasty? “Huh, I’m slur bug,” his name answers.
Politicians and talk show hosts aren’t the only nasty folks around.
Former U.S. Attorney and current defense lawyer Carmen Nasuti has dealt with some pretty bad dudes.
“I ran a scum net.”
What’d he say to some of his imbibing clients?
“Nice rum, Satan.”
Speaking of reputed mobsters, this is what Joey Merlino might say to someone who crosses him.
Do as I say “or join my eel.”
What would you get if you sent an ailing Nicky Scarfo to the hot seat?
“A sick con fry.”
What could have saved Angelo Bruno?
Better friends. “Or a noble gun.”
This anagram-o-matic stuff works on us news types as well.
Larry Kane?
A “lanky rear.”
Having Andy Glassman over for dinner? He’s so rude he won’t heed the fact that you don’t want him to use the good crystal. He’ll use “any damn glass” he wants.
Lisa DePaulo?
Ed Rendell might consider her a “plaid louse.”
But to hear the guys at the Infamous Club tell it, she’s more like “a USA doll pie.”
Just ask Stu Bykofsky, whose column appears in the “Lady Swine.”
That’s not to say that my newspaper hasn’t been accused of staking out the moral high ground once too often. What do we believe in here?
“Crap Piety.”
Just don’t say we don’t know how to have a good time. Because around here, it’s always an “epic party.”
Want to play around with the anagram-o-matic, which I discovered reading BONG Bull, an electronic newsletter for journalists?
E-mail wsmith@wordsmith.org. On the subject line, write Anagram and, in parentheses, type in up to 12 characters. Leave the message area blank and send.
And one more thing. You want to know what Howie Altman looks like these days?
“I’m not a whale.”
